someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
