My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
