Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
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sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
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I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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