oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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