I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
