The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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