Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
