I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
