Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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