At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
