i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
