I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
