Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
