I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
