shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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