Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
