all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
