I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
