Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
So apparently I’m into choking now
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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