Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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