I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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