when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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