dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
