I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Michael Bay diarrhea
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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