allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Randomize
