you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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