I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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