If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Operation Purity has been aborted
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
