my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
