I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
