Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
