I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
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i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
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Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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