my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
