This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
