I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
