Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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