there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
