Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I can text with my tongue
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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