No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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