Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
