somebody snuck up and got me drunk
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
