That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
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Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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