My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Small penises have feelings too.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
