I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You were trust falling into bushes
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
