i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
