Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
