If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
