Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
