Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
