you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
