tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Randomize
