I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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