wat bout pragnant strippers??
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
