Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
