At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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