I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
